Who Gets Your Time

Hey there,

I thought I was going to write this newsletter about friendship—about how it is okay to let certain friendships run their course, and with others, to simply limit access. But the more I read through the words I would normally send to you all, the more I realized there was a lot of grief in them. There was unprocessed anger, too.

I am sure you can relate to that feeling when friends disappoint you, or when people lose track of the importance of checking in at a deeper level. But through reflecting on it, I realized this was not only about them. A lot of it was about me and my projections onto others.

When I have created certain friendships at different moments in my life, I can see now that some of them came from a thirsty place. A needy place. I was not always creating bonds from a place of enjoyment, ease, or simple connection. Sometimes I was looking for friendship to soothe my codependency. I wanted friends who made me feel seen in ways I was not yet able to see myself. I wanted the attention. I wanted people I could listen to, offer advice to, support, guide, and care for. And eventually, many of those relationships began to feel like a one-way street.

But the more important realization is that I was not doing enough of that for myself.

That is really where all of this begins. How can you become more aligned with your own feelings? How can you sit deeply enough with yourself to understand what actually brings you joy and ease? Where can you go inward and become curious about your own behavior? What can you remember about your past experiences that might teach you something about the person you are still becoming?

Because in the end, the friendships we have often reflect the friendship we have with ourselves.

When I look back at my own story, I see so many friendships that were born from simply wanting to belong. Friendships where I acted as though I had no choice. This is my group. These are my people. This is just what it is. But that is not actually true.

We have every opportunity to set boundaries—with friends, with family, with ourselves, and with the people we love most. It is up to us to be authentic and vulnerable. And it is possible for someone to have their experience and for you to have yours without either person needing to be wrong.

But when it comes to deciding who gets your time, your energy, and your intimacy, maybe it is worth looking more deeply at the source of the friendship. Where was I in my life when this person became my friend? What did I need then? Is this relationship still connected to who I am now? Has it grown with me? Does it nourish me? Or am I holding onto it simply because it has been there for a long time?

Now more than ever, I think we have to become willing to close certain doors that no longer serve us so that new ones have a chance to open. Life should not always feel forced. Our choices become our life.

And sometimes honoring your own Soul means making choices that feel difficult in the moment but create more truth in the long run. Trust yourself enough to make them. You will still be here tomorrow. Maybe a little sadder, maybe a little freer, and maybe a little closer to yourself.

Love,

 

Matthew